apology and regret

A great deal of what formed my personality today is because of the countless amazing people who gave me strength, support and most of all, a purpose in living this life that I have. I have often regret things I've done, what I'm doing or what I might do, despite knowing the consequences that also comes with those actions.

Sometimes by looking though the eyes of another person helps to know oneself better. I never thought that I would actually hear people telling me I was a loudmouthed jerk when I was young, but maybe, this is what I should be hearing years ago.

Life experiences, changes. Might be for better, might be for worse. More often it becomes a roller coaster ride, swirling you into unexpected twists and turns, wondering when it will be over. So often we get engrossed with the wildness of the ride, never realizing the danger that might destroy the things that we care about. But the wonderful thing about ourselves is that we are able to pick up the pieces after we crash. Some say this is a part of growing up, forming your true personality. But I wonder why we still feel hurt even if the same things happen.

It's very often I looked back on the past and think, what if, I never did this or did that? Or if I did that? Would I be better off that way? Even so, every scenario seemed like a scene from a scary movie, it's never pleasant.

Not many people realize that I don't have many close friends, most of the time it's pretty lonely, and as well painful watching others happily talking away with their buddies. But I am grateful for the friends I have now, even if we don't see each other often, but we have the kind of friendship that some people spend their lifetime searching for.

There comes a time where love comes in and messes up everything for you. Maybe I'm not too good with love, I don't know. But there is one thing I do know; love is not meant to be kept inside. I just feel like crap thinking about this girl, always trying to get her attention, doing things for her and all. But isn't that what most guys do anyway? But do they feel the kind of crap I'm feeling right now? What good is it if she doesn't notice anyway. All I ever do is feel sorry for myself.

I have admitted to a few girls that I liked them before, but turns out, most of it ruined a part of our friendship. But if I don't just say it......sigh. I don't wanna think of the things I would do.

I'm blogging all of this to ensure as a reminder for this to never happen again (I hope). To the readers, most of it does not make any sense. But to me it's like re-watching the scene in my head again on slow-mo.

I bear hatred in me. I bear the pain in my heart. I hold back the tears.

But I just wanna let go. I can't.